ABOUT DRUNK MEN

There's something I don't stand.
An intoxicated, especially Scandinavian, male.
The worst job I ever had was at this "gentlemen's" club where all kinds of degenerates drag their perverted asses between nine pm and seven am. It's a weird thing and it should really be something obligatory for every single human to experience (since their is no such option as complete prohibition).
All the richer Swedish guys liked me since I looked like an exotic Serbian girl or something such as that. The older men love black girls and Englishmen (which behave like total pigs at the club) and Middle Eastern men likes the blondes, preferably with plastic boobs and scrap-of-meat-lips.

Anyways, back to the Swedes. They'd never come to the club if they were not intoxicated. They'd order 100-dollar-beers and talk about how ugly they were and how I must have looked down on them since they visited the club, about their poor girlfriends and their strong feelings of guilt. But still they couldn't keep their perversity away and they always persist on doing adult-content-kind-of-matters eventhough it was strictly prohibited at the club. And honestly, the club I was working at was the only one in the City where sex wasn't openely sold.

A Swede without alcohol is so silent and shy, but give them a beer and their real black. depressive insides will show. I hate alcohol and I will never be able to date a Swede.

:(

MY LIFE SUCKS, PLEASE EXPLAIN GOD, WHY?

I go to church every day.

I forgive people for unforgivable things.

I work so hard every day no matter what I do.

I am a nice and generous person with a big heart.

I always look at things from a positive side

until this very moment...

JUST ANOTHER DAY

Today was a special day, just as all the others. Tomorrow I'm going blonde again since it's "good for business". Bye bye boring brunette.

I have had a constant head ache for two days now, just hope I'll sleep it away, if I can fall asleep so to speak. I'll put it pics of my new hair tomorrow.

Isn't Jenna so pretty?

Coco soso xoxo

TARSIER

ÍNSOMNIA-Á LA-TOO-LARGE-CAFFEINE-INTAKE

Ive spent a few days here in mamma's bed. She's not home, she's with her manfriend. I'm alone. Just me and the TV. I have http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BD_XCECbAEU.

I have to get courage to make a very important call tomorrow. I. Have. To. I am hesistant, not struck by cowardice.

AND I WHO THOUGHT IF WAS FALL BY NOW

but the fucking sun is shining, brighter and hotter than ever. The heat makes me fat.

EGO FLICKA

I hate myself for my shallowness. But, no. I'm not shallow. I guess I'm just not so secure, hence I always try to improve, try to be loved and self-assured. LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME. My profession isn't really helping me get rid of this problem. Well well, at least I don't have colon cancer or a manhood the size of a fucking peanut shell. Thank god that we girls don't have to deal with that.

THIS DAMNED HAIR

As I told you, my hair is no longer divinely blonde, but dark-shitty-boring-"naturally"-dark blonde. So now I spend my days trying to get this "toning" out of my usually bleached hair so I can return to my former beauty. Apparently it will fade quicklier if you put in loads of conditioner in the hair, put a plastic bag on the head and sleep with it. So... Here is Emme, obviously happier than ever in mankind fucking history, beautifully made-up, staring at the TV screen which shows her favorite show, ever. I mean, ever. Miss Marple. Emme + Miss Marple = Forevereverever. Never been happier than this.

FUCK YOU

Let me just keep it simple and straight: my boyfriend of three years (on and off) apparently is MARRIED. I cannot really explain how I feel. Ive spent three years on his conditions "clean this, dont smoke, dont drink, dont tattoo yourself, let me do whatever I want with you, love me unconditionally, make me coffee, make me dinner, massage me, scrub my back".

I am so totally gonna do everything I dreamed about but never was able to since I has RESPECT FOR MY "BOYFRIEND". He can find some other teenaged blonde with low self esteem and eating disorders that he can do whatever he wants to with. I just say: FUCK YOU and good luck with your boring mediocre life with your old hag who is older than my mom.
Tomorrow I'll get a tattoo, start dieting and planning to recolour my hair blonde since he made me make it darker. Fuckwitt.

http://open.spotify.com/track/5RAAcrbeMHXdsDvoJcmtNh Or not. Im not your little puppy any longer.

MY UNCONDITIONAL THAT WASNT ANSWERED MADE ME MAKE UP MY MIND

Sometimes you have to make your own responsible choices in life. I have made one now. I think.
I will see you somewhere in Rome if you can find me.

http://open.spotify.com/track/5iSV8gNvzGsmbQ3NZrWO7N

As usually I just run away from my troubles...

MY GRAND-MUMMY

Funeral time today, my grandmother is dead. But 89 years isn't something to complain about, I even think it's too much.

My mom, sister and I went to see her a last time two days ago, my first dead person. She laid in her box with her eyes stitched together and a smirking smile, the white shirt covering her stiff, gaunt body. I couldn't cry since there just was the shell of what once used to be granny. The shell of a human. All I kept on thinking was where the heck her soul was, I mean, it can't just die? Where is her soul?

I touched her mummified hands eventhough I don't think I should have. My grand-mummie was in that box, but my grandmother is someplace very very different than on this troubled earth.

DAYS LIKE THESE

I just want to die.


1. The French who is supposed to be sweet and caring and loving and understanding behaves like a total asshole. "Clean this, clean that, look at this Emme! What the hell is this supposed to be?! Didn't I tell you thabla bla bla blabbla.. Quack.."
2. He talks about this gorgeous girl who is so skinny and so hot. Fuck. You.
3. I have dirty hair and a pimple on my chin which makes me feel like I'd be just one big pimple myself.
4. I weigh myself. Nuff said.

And here I sit with a piece of fucking chocolate in my mouth. Stupid, stupid girl. I hate the world today, including myself.

PLEASE, ROBERT

Do you wanna adopt me? Please Bobby, be my sugar daddy...

PURPLE BACKGROUND - GREEN EYES - MOMMY'S RUG

I can't sleep any longer. Must be some kind of latent anxiety, but who cares as long as it's just latent haha. The French slept between 19:08 and 03:something in the morning. I didn't at all.

Today I've been drinking four cups of coffee, a redbull light and a slice of water melon. I was so speedy I just danced through the whole apartment listening to some really crappy but catchy house music.

After an hour I suddenly found it suitable to take a little walk to the local grocery store which probably is the most expensive one in this damn country. I bought five packs of AA batteries, some prunes and two more redbulls. But as the caffeine was leaving my body I was so shaky when it finally was my turn at the cashier's. I could hardly think straight, dropped my card all over the place and pressed the wrong buttons while uttering small "oops" "whoopsidaisies" and "dammits!".

The cashier chewed slowly on her hubba-bubba and stared at the speeded blonde with red eyes who desperately tried to catch the credit card which seemed to have become alive.

Anyways, finally I caught the bastard and stepped out of the store on my high heels. Now I'm tired.

Tomorrow I have a shoot for some Japanese Gentlemen's club. I don't understand why I never get any better jobs. Well, well, money is money right?

I AM

a bottle blonde and even if I look like a slavic girl, I'm not. I swear. The rest I'm not so sure of, I am borderline and ambivalent. I guess that makes me confused. What are you?

HUSH, DONT TELL MOMMY

that I did something bad. Oh... Bad, baaad girl. I am talking about my new job. Here's a hint:
http://open.spotify.com/track/1XHFob24QklIXtLRopKirJ

BLEACH

I love change, who doesn't?

So yesterday I took my fat ass and put it on the subway heading to the northern suburb where my best friend has her apartment.

My hair has been yellow, orange or something since April the twentieth, but blonde as blonde I thought, whatever that means.

Anyways. For three days I have been craving plums, and this craving has lead to some congestial problems, or anti problems. Hence I had to visit the Water Closet as fast as I stepped into the smokey apartment on floor 5. Whilst I was sitting there with cramps and eventual relief I spotted something that my inner Russian loved, a pack of bleach. I yelled at my best friend to come in to the Water Closet and that's when it happened.

"I trust you, my friend. I put the fate of hair in your hands and it's up to you to take good care of it, you hold my future." She muttered in Polish and I in Russian since our nationalities don't love each other. But MY GOD, she made my hair totally FAB! It's so blonde and so not yellow or orange and I just love love love love it! Now I have to clean the apartment. Bye!

KEBAB IN M'S STOMACH

It is swimming in the sea of guilt in Emme's tummy bag. She has filled herself again with all the sins. The day began so well... it ended so badly.
Yesterday didn't exist, yesterday was a very weird day. M's grandmother is not here any longer, M's grandmother is somewhere else but this earth. Only the body is left.
Except that Emme had her monthly birth yesterday. Or, at least it feels like it. Menstrual cramps, agonies of hell. As she use to say : I am a true woman since I give birth once a month.
The anguish is back on track too. D*MM*T. This aint lookin no guud.

FLEA MARKET

Saturday. Emme is sleepy after all cheese and pizza and standing at the flea market selling stolen goods to retired people, gypsies and locals. The weBLOG will be more frequentely updated, Emme has promised. But now time for sleep.

Please, just listen to this: LMF – Wei Wei Wei :song, it is just pure genius. Close your eyes and enjoy... Nighty

TV EYE

M has become a tv-idiot. She used to hate tv, now he/she/it is her best friend since her real one is in Turkey. Borderline-M is indifferent, calm, tired, swollen and suffering from disease. Life has been worse though, it's okay. :) ... ?

She hates smileys. Why did she post it? I dont know. Maybe because she's dead-suicidal-deeply depressed-depressed-blue-indifferent-okay-good-better-best-like gary busey on blow.

WHICH DAY IS IT? IVE COMPLETELY LOST TOUCH OF REALITY

http://open.spotify.com/track/0jFa52MmEYHXBPKLFIG7UJ

Today I've lost my voice and my eyes are all infected. I cough green mucus (or how you now spell it). Sexy, right? But things are okay. Yes they are. I really want to post more posts but my life is very busy at the moment. I try to straighten things out and it takes time. Maybe it will all be okay, only G d knows.
xoxo Emme

SUFFERING FROM BANKRUPCY. AGAIN.

yes, it's a fact. i am poor. i am fucking poor. all i have left now is about two thousand dollars stashed in my purse. i was supposed to go to spain again for work, but i felt that it would break me. so here i am, in my mother's apartment in stockholm, typing on my packard bell and thinking about the future. THE FUTURE. i am moving back with my french man again soon, i love my family but for many reasons i cannot handle living here. we made up, the french man and i. we had a big fight, i was thrown out from the apartment in the suburb and moved back here. but he forgave my mistake and now it feels better than ever between the two of us. INTENSE.

cant sleep but i have to get a grip now, at least try to.

xoxo M

FAT?

This is OVERWEIGHT in the "model industry". Haha. Hah. God, I must say I do look rather obese in that photo. Not.

THE REASON TO MY LACKING SELF ESTEEM

is my surrounding. Today I was told I've gotten fat again. I am not going to let this pass me as it usually does. Not this time. Fuck, how come my life is never liveable?
My diet: just eat like once a day. Whatever I want. But I have to go to bed hungry, otherwise it wont work. Just coffee, coffee, coffee and meds.
Tired of this shit. 54 kilos - the weight from my PMS. In a week I'll be down on 52 at least.
I have to start painting again. Paint paint paint. I've lost myself again, need to find my way back.

ART

I was bored yesterday so here's the productive result of by boredom or boreness... how do you say it?

No jobs... No friends in town... No nothing. Only me and my extra pounds that I have to lose accordning to a person who helps me get money. What do you not do for money... So tomorrow my très not pleasante diet takes place. Plus that he's nagging me about my boobies... "You really should have them done, it will look so good, then you don't have to be so skinny, it will look good with some ass to it". Douche bag.

THE RAMBLER AT LA RAMBLA

Came home a couple of hours ago. I'm was so depressed I thought about going back to Barcelona again, but as I got home I felt a tad better. My situation is fucking hell and poop right now, but I know this is just making me stronger. I can do anything. I CAN DO ANYTHING!
Anyways... Work ins't working haha, so if anybody needs a cleaner or such please mail me. No, maybe not. I'm just having a bad moment right now. I'll make it.

BEACH 2009 HERE I COME

I just found out that you can take pictures with the webcam. This. Made. My. Evening.
Now I'm all packed and shit. This was a special day. Very special and I don't think I will ever forget it. A new time has begun, but Emme doesn't seem to understand this quite yet. Maybe soon. Maybe soon. Shit. I've graduated... I've graduated... ??? Quoi?

MY NEW FUR

I got a new fur today from my French man. He said he thought of me when he saw it, I am very greatful. I love furs. Just got home from the strip club photo shoot. I liked the photo but I do not think they want me to publish it. Well well... Tomorrow I'm going to Barcelona for some work, but honestly, mostly vacation. I am so stressed so stressed so stressed at the moment, I really shouldn't be since I've graduated school and my projects seem to be working more than just great. But I don't know, I am a restless soul. xoxo M

23 something

It's past eleven, I am tired. Just got home from France when I get some more jobs, I'm going to Barcelona on Saturday, i.e. in two days. Tomorrow I have family lunch with all my relatives an later on a photo shoot for a german strip club or something. (don't worry, it's very classy) haha.
Now I need to shower and prepare myself for all I have to do. Sorry, but I had no time to take pictures, maybe later.
xoxo

UPDATE

I am alive, I swear. I'll be back home in Stockholm tonight, am at the airport now. I'll tell you more as fast as I'm back. Got to hurry xoxo Emme

BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL DAY

VIEW FROM HOTEL WINDOW

I just landed in Southern France. The sun is so hot and the beaches are amazing. I'm here just for 48 more hours and tomorrow I don't work until 8 in the evening. So I'll spend all day on the beach. I now sit in my hotel bed, drinking Pepsi Max and looking at what I bought at the air port. A set of a white skirt and tube top, looks so fresh and sexy, a real cute dotty top, underwear and wax... Lordy, but if you wanna look nice, you gotta take some pain (om du vill vara fin får du lida pin) a useful Swedish proverb. I'm really hot and tired now, but very relaxed and comfortable.

But I just can't help feeling lonely.

DREAMS AND GOALS

I am so tired of dreaming. Being Pisces I have a tendency to dream away the reality. This has got to end! This year is going to change. I am the mastress, haha mastress, of my future. I have the power to decide and I now declare change. I will not dream any longer, I chose reality and taking risks. Cause that's what dreaming is all about, being safe and comfortable. I am not going to die a dreamer, I am going to die as a.. Uhm... (I was just going to type a "liver") A life explorer. Yeah, not exactely what I was looking for, but you get the point I hope.

1. I will write my book and send it in to a publicist.

2. I will work with a new agency.

3. I will work with my own business.

4. I will earn lots of money.

5. I will become independent.

6. I will improve and change my appearence.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Picture taken by Emme

SKINNY

I was a fat kid. Puppy fat, isn't that what you call it? I loved sweets, chocolate, food, coke. I was a healthy kid, children should eat. The human being is not supposed to be skin and bones. But I was chubby, and being chubby was not acceptable in a society of pro-skinniness.

The first time I lost weight was when my mom got a brain tumor and was dying, I was so depressed I couldn't eat and ever since, I link food with emotions, I feel bad - cannot eat, I feel good - can eat.

But I have to admit, I do have problems, sometimes serious problems with food. And I disgust myself for having it.

But who doesn't wanna be anorectic and totally fab?! Here are my tips for the one who needs to lose weight, for those who are tired of the - "exercise and eat healthy" - bullshit. Here are some real good tippy-tips for you who seriously want to get rid of those extra pounds.

1. NEVER EAT FUCKING BREAKFAST. I drink black coffee till I feel sick, when lunch is served, take a nice walk around the neighbourhood. Suck on a lolly pop or some shit. And drink more coffe.

2. STAY AWAY FROM FUCKING HOME. Imagine being alone home, there's only you and the fridge, nobody except God will watch you pig out like a swine, and maybe you're not even religious. If you're not home, you don't have access to the food. (unless you pig out at McDonald's, but God forbid).

Get a job instead or work as a volounteer.

3. GET A PARTNER WHO VERBALLY FUCKING ABUSES YOU. ´The times I've been skinniest have been when I've been in a relationship with some sadistic man who pinches my "fat" aka "skin" and talks about beautiful skinny girls he's seen on the subway or downtown or such, only to make me jealous. And women are raised to satisfy, it's deeply rooted in our minds and of course we'll do everything and anything to keep our men, to make them see us, to make them stay with us. Oh, poor us women. And fuck the macho, as Svetlana would put it. (I love you Svetlana Loboda).

4. Whenever you eat, eat whatever you want. If you wanna drink double cream, go for it. Just don't have any meals of real food. I can't remember last time a had a good, healthy meal. I just eat candy, chips, junk, trash, drugs, air...

Back on track, DINNER. Watch out for the big no no; I haven't eaten all day, I can afford piggying out. NO, YOU CAN'T. I hate the feeling of going to sleep almost starving, but I love the feeling of waking up knowing I made it.

5. Start using all kinds of weightloss drugs and COFFEE. The pills work, believe me. But it comes with a price, your health. (But who gives a fuck about fucking health??) Maybe they're just placebo, but for me they work, at least mentally.

Eventual side effects

Eating disorders, congestial problems, heart problems, mental illness, depression, distorted self-image.

The Heart is Deceitful and Beyond Cure, Who Can Understand It?

This is one of the most beautiful sayings in the world, from the bible. (Do you say sayings??) Everybody who gets to know me calls me a bordeline patient, (or sociopath), and the bordeliner has a fucked up soul. The heart is so fucking deceptive and deceitful. But isn't it like that for all of us? Aren't all hearts confused? Is it only I who is all alone?

Painting by me (made on Paint, gimme cred, please)

LUIGI IS DEAD

My French man's friend Luigi was a pain in the ass yesterday. The two southern Europeans started a fierce verbal fight about soccer (I think), Luigi said Ta Madre! and that is a sensitive subject. I've told the French to try to not take everything so personal, but I am just a stupid, 18- year-old blonde, I have no right to speak.

Rest in peace, Luigi...

SELF EXPOSURE

I am tired. I am tired and indifferent. But in a kind of nice way. Home alone, here in the southern

suburb of Stockholm. The man I'm living with keeps telling me, "go out, go out in the sunshine you pale biscuit! grow those sweet freckles and let the sun bleach your already bleached hair".

I'm tired of him too, that French-Algerian weirdo. I'm tired of my life.

It's just so messy, all of it. Within three months my life has turned up side down completely.

I've lost my family and friends, I've lost my old home, I've lost my ordinarity (that is highly under valuated) and I think I've lost myself. Or at least changed to something I never thought a sweet girl as me could turn into. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If you want to break me, you have to kill me.

Name: Emme
Girl or Boy: Girl
Town: Different. Right now Stockholm
Size: Petite
Age: 18
Hair: Bimbo
Eyes: Hazel green
Employement occupation: Jack-of-all-trades
Sign: Pisces
I love: money, Rolling Stones, sweets, coffee, Casino 1995, when Im happy, my new computer
I hate: i don't hate
Who would I like to meet: Gary Busey
What I like to do: write, paint, steal, cheat and ramble
Style of music: Rolling Stones
The most beautiful song: Nothing Song - Sigur Ros
Are you single: No. But soon, tired of this shit
Have you ever known an unhappy love affair: Hahahahahahaha. Hah. Haaa
Fave dish: Candy
Drink: Coffee and fanta
Fetish number: 23
Your more beautiful quality: Hmm... My facial features and legs
Your worst defect: Aint trustable
Your worst nightmare: Being gangraped somewhere in the woods and then killed by a bear when I try to flee.
The first thing you do in the morning: Open my eyes
Tell us your more beautiful memory of your childhood: The time I sat in the pasture with twenty Rottweiler puppies
Your favourite insult: Ditt äckel
Do you speak another language than English: Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, Italian, French.
How many children do you want: None. And if I do, I'll adopt a big child. From Russia.
Which celebrity do you resemble: Adriana Karembeu or Izabella Scorupco, people has told me.
The best gift anybody's given you: Can't say, but my best friend did something amazing for me when I had lost everything a couple of months ago.
Which message of advice would you give somebody: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (SO FUCKING TRUE!!!)

FRIDAY

I love days like these. Woke up at nine, drank million cups of coffee, listened to the Stones, planned my future. Still I'm in my bed with my new Packard Bell. I'm thinking about going to City, I need to fix my tan and look if I can work today. But I'm too lazy, and the bed is too comfy.

I applied to a new agency in London this morning, and hopefully I'll get an answer soon. I need more work. GIMME JOBS!!! Amen