SKINNY

I was a fat kid. Puppy fat, isn't that what you call it? I loved sweets, chocolate, food, coke. I was a healthy kid, children should eat. The human being is not supposed to be skin and bones. But I was chubby, and being chubby was not acceptable in a society of pro-skinniness.

The first time I lost weight was when my mom got a brain tumor and was dying, I was so depressed I couldn't eat and ever since, I link food with emotions, I feel bad - cannot eat, I feel good - can eat.

But I have to admit, I do have problems, sometimes serious problems with food. And I disgust myself for having it.

But who doesn't wanna be anorectic and totally fab?! Here are my tips for the one who needs to lose weight, for those who are tired of the - "exercise and eat healthy" - bullshit. Here are some real good tippy-tips for you who seriously want to get rid of those extra pounds.

1. NEVER EAT FUCKING BREAKFAST. I drink black coffee till I feel sick, when lunch is served, take a nice walk around the neighbourhood. Suck on a lolly pop or some shit. And drink more coffe.

2. STAY AWAY FROM FUCKING HOME. Imagine being alone home, there's only you and the fridge, nobody except God will watch you pig out like a swine, and maybe you're not even religious. If you're not home, you don't have access to the food. (unless you pig out at McDonald's, but God forbid).

Get a job instead or work as a volounteer.

3. GET A PARTNER WHO VERBALLY FUCKING ABUSES YOU. ´The times I've been skinniest have been when I've been in a relationship with some sadistic man who pinches my "fat" aka "skin" and talks about beautiful skinny girls he's seen on the subway or downtown or such, only to make me jealous. And women are raised to satisfy, it's deeply rooted in our minds and of course we'll do everything and anything to keep our men, to make them see us, to make them stay with us. Oh, poor us women. And fuck the macho, as Svetlana would put it. (I love you Svetlana Loboda).

4. Whenever you eat, eat whatever you want. If you wanna drink double cream, go for it. Just don't have any meals of real food. I can't remember last time a had a good, healthy meal. I just eat candy, chips, junk, trash, drugs, air...

Back on track, DINNER. Watch out for the big no no; I haven't eaten all day, I can afford piggying out. NO, YOU CAN'T. I hate the feeling of going to sleep almost starving, but I love the feeling of waking up knowing I made it.

5. Start using all kinds of weightloss drugs and COFFEE. The pills work, believe me. But it comes with a price, your health. (But who gives a fuck about fucking health??) Maybe they're just placebo, but for me they work, at least mentally.

Eventual side effects

Eating disorders, congestial problems, heart problems, mental illness, depression, distorted self-image.