BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL DAY

VIEW FROM HOTEL WINDOW

I just landed in Southern France. The sun is so hot and the beaches are amazing. I'm here just for 48 more hours and tomorrow I don't work until 8 in the evening. So I'll spend all day on the beach. I now sit in my hotel bed, drinking Pepsi Max and looking at what I bought at the air port. A set of a white skirt and tube top, looks so fresh and sexy, a real cute dotty top, underwear and wax... Lordy, but if you wanna look nice, you gotta take some pain (om du vill vara fin får du lida pin) a useful Swedish proverb. I'm really hot and tired now, but very relaxed and comfortable.

But I just can't help feeling lonely.

DREAMS AND GOALS

I am so tired of dreaming. Being Pisces I have a tendency to dream away the reality. This has got to end! This year is going to change. I am the mastress, haha mastress, of my future. I have the power to decide and I now declare change. I will not dream any longer, I chose reality and taking risks. Cause that's what dreaming is all about, being safe and comfortable. I am not going to die a dreamer, I am going to die as a.. Uhm... (I was just going to type a "liver") A life explorer. Yeah, not exactely what I was looking for, but you get the point I hope.

1. I will write my book and send it in to a publicist.

2. I will work with a new agency.

3. I will work with my own business.

4. I will earn lots of money.

5. I will become independent.

6. I will improve and change my appearence.

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Picture taken by Emme

SKINNY

I was a fat kid. Puppy fat, isn't that what you call it? I loved sweets, chocolate, food, coke. I was a healthy kid, children should eat. The human being is not supposed to be skin and bones. But I was chubby, and being chubby was not acceptable in a society of pro-skinniness.

The first time I lost weight was when my mom got a brain tumor and was dying, I was so depressed I couldn't eat and ever since, I link food with emotions, I feel bad - cannot eat, I feel good - can eat.

But I have to admit, I do have problems, sometimes serious problems with food. And I disgust myself for having it.

But who doesn't wanna be anorectic and totally fab?! Here are my tips for the one who needs to lose weight, for those who are tired of the - "exercise and eat healthy" - bullshit. Here are some real good tippy-tips for you who seriously want to get rid of those extra pounds.

1. NEVER EAT FUCKING BREAKFAST. I drink black coffee till I feel sick, when lunch is served, take a nice walk around the neighbourhood. Suck on a lolly pop or some shit. And drink more coffe.

2. STAY AWAY FROM FUCKING HOME. Imagine being alone home, there's only you and the fridge, nobody except God will watch you pig out like a swine, and maybe you're not even religious. If you're not home, you don't have access to the food. (unless you pig out at McDonald's, but God forbid).

Get a job instead or work as a volounteer.

3. GET A PARTNER WHO VERBALLY FUCKING ABUSES YOU. ´The times I've been skinniest have been when I've been in a relationship with some sadistic man who pinches my "fat" aka "skin" and talks about beautiful skinny girls he's seen on the subway or downtown or such, only to make me jealous. And women are raised to satisfy, it's deeply rooted in our minds and of course we'll do everything and anything to keep our men, to make them see us, to make them stay with us. Oh, poor us women. And fuck the macho, as Svetlana would put it. (I love you Svetlana Loboda).

4. Whenever you eat, eat whatever you want. If you wanna drink double cream, go for it. Just don't have any meals of real food. I can't remember last time a had a good, healthy meal. I just eat candy, chips, junk, trash, drugs, air...

Back on track, DINNER. Watch out for the big no no; I haven't eaten all day, I can afford piggying out. NO, YOU CAN'T. I hate the feeling of going to sleep almost starving, but I love the feeling of waking up knowing I made it.

5. Start using all kinds of weightloss drugs and COFFEE. The pills work, believe me. But it comes with a price, your health. (But who gives a fuck about fucking health??) Maybe they're just placebo, but for me they work, at least mentally.

Eventual side effects

Eating disorders, congestial problems, heart problems, mental illness, depression, distorted self-image.

The Heart is Deceitful and Beyond Cure, Who Can Understand It?

This is one of the most beautiful sayings in the world, from the bible. (Do you say sayings??) Everybody who gets to know me calls me a bordeline patient, (or sociopath), and the bordeliner has a fucked up soul. The heart is so fucking deceptive and deceitful. But isn't it like that for all of us? Aren't all hearts confused? Is it only I who is all alone?

Painting by me (made on Paint, gimme cred, please)

LUIGI IS DEAD

My French man's friend Luigi was a pain in the ass yesterday. The two southern Europeans started a fierce verbal fight about soccer (I think), Luigi said Ta Madre! and that is a sensitive subject. I've told the French to try to not take everything so personal, but I am just a stupid, 18- year-old blonde, I have no right to speak.

Rest in peace, Luigi...

SELF EXPOSURE

I am tired. I am tired and indifferent. But in a kind of nice way. Home alone, here in the southern

suburb of Stockholm. The man I'm living with keeps telling me, "go out, go out in the sunshine you pale biscuit! grow those sweet freckles and let the sun bleach your already bleached hair".

I'm tired of him too, that French-Algerian weirdo. I'm tired of my life.

It's just so messy, all of it. Within three months my life has turned up side down completely.

I've lost my family and friends, I've lost my old home, I've lost my ordinarity (that is highly under valuated) and I think I've lost myself. Or at least changed to something I never thought a sweet girl as me could turn into. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If you want to break me, you have to kill me.

Name: Emme
Girl or Boy: Girl
Town: Different. Right now Stockholm
Size: Petite
Age: 18
Hair: Bimbo
Eyes: Hazel green
Employement occupation: Jack-of-all-trades
Sign: Pisces
I love: money, Rolling Stones, sweets, coffee, Casino 1995, when Im happy, my new computer
I hate: i don't hate
Who would I like to meet: Gary Busey
What I like to do: write, paint, steal, cheat and ramble
Style of music: Rolling Stones
The most beautiful song: Nothing Song - Sigur Ros
Are you single: No. But soon, tired of this shit
Have you ever known an unhappy love affair: Hahahahahahaha. Hah. Haaa
Fave dish: Candy
Drink: Coffee and fanta
Fetish number: 23
Your more beautiful quality: Hmm... My facial features and legs
Your worst defect: Aint trustable
Your worst nightmare: Being gangraped somewhere in the woods and then killed by a bear when I try to flee.
The first thing you do in the morning: Open my eyes
Tell us your more beautiful memory of your childhood: The time I sat in the pasture with twenty Rottweiler puppies
Your favourite insult: Ditt äckel
Do you speak another language than English: Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, Italian, French.
How many children do you want: None. And if I do, I'll adopt a big child. From Russia.
Which celebrity do you resemble: Adriana Karembeu or Izabella Scorupco, people has told me.
The best gift anybody's given you: Can't say, but my best friend did something amazing for me when I had lost everything a couple of months ago.
Which message of advice would you give somebody: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (SO FUCKING TRUE!!!)

FRIDAY

I love days like these. Woke up at nine, drank million cups of coffee, listened to the Stones, planned my future. Still I'm in my bed with my new Packard Bell. I'm thinking about going to City, I need to fix my tan and look if I can work today. But I'm too lazy, and the bed is too comfy.

I applied to a new agency in London this morning, and hopefully I'll get an answer soon. I need more work. GIMME JOBS!!! Amen